


MCBF Club

by thisislegit



Series: Ex-Assassin Verse [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Humor, Inappropriate Behavior, M/M, Sexual Humor, very explicit conversations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-26
Updated: 2014-02-26
Packaged: 2018-01-13 19:48:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1238728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisislegit/pseuds/thisislegit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dis, Bilbo, and Ori all have giant boyfriends with large endowments. Watch as they tell funny stories, talk about kinks, and just make sex a topic of interest and not something prudish and perfect.</p><p>Welcome to the Monster Cock Boyfriend Club.</p>
            </blockquote>





	MCBF Club

**Author's Note:**

> These chapters can be read as one shots. I'm not sure how many chapters of this I'll have, and these conversations can occur anywhere in the verse after Dis, Bilbo, and Ori have become good friends.

Bilbo, Dis, and Ori had all settled into Ori’s sitting room. There were several well-worn armchairs and lounge chairs along with a few couches in the oval shaped corridor. A few oak tables some holding lamps, others low to the ground to hold papers or in this case several plates loaded with all kinds of sweets and Ori’s tea set, which he was given at his wedding reception. The room was a very comfortable temperature and the three friends were all caught up in very light conversation.

“Wait you clean out how many times a week?” Bilbo asked his eyebrows raising.

“Only once a week. Usually Dwalin and I just rut or I do a shallow cleanse. If I’m feeling adventurous I’ll do it three times, but no more than that. I don’t want to get anything by accident,” Ori said.

“Thorin and I usually go back and forth.”

“My brother bottoms?” Dis asked.

“Yes, and he likes it a lot. I don’t mind it either he’s very pliant,” Bilbo replied smiling.

“I don’t understand how you two manage it. Viri and I tried anal a few times, but I much prefer pegging than taking it myself. I’d rather be split wide in one hole thank you very much. That and you can’t go back and forth like they do in porn. It’s unsanitary,” Dis said as she grabbed a biscuit from the tray.

“I would think so. Oh! That reminds me, you won’t believe what happened last night,” Bilbo said.

“What?” Ori and Dis asked leaning a bit closer in their seats.

“Well last night I was teasing Thorin, and normally I don’t mind the body hair. I like the rugged look, but by the time I got down to his cock I could’ve sworn there was a hairball in the back of my throat! He needs to trim the chest hair down.”

“That happens sometimes with Dwalin, but I’ve usually got him balls deep in my mouth by the time I notice. He shaves for me every other week. Maybe you should ask Thorin to do it and see if that doesn’t happen as often.”

“Oh but that’s not the worst of it,” Bilbo started.

“What could be worse than having a hunk of hair in your throat?” Dis asked.

“Well I told him to shave after I managed to pull 5 hairs out of my mouth. He said he’d consider it. Then the next morning when we were getting ready when I spit out the mouthwash there was a very dark pubic hair in the sink where I’d spit.”

Ori started laughing fairly loudly at this while Dis shuddered at the image. Bilbo remembered Thorin looking very embarrassed when the hair was pointed out and a promise that he would start shaving more than he already did.

“Viri used to complain about my pubic hairs.”

“What did you do to make the complaints stop?” Ori asked.

“I reminded him that I pushed 2 babies out of that hole in my teen years and I’ll be damned if he complained about it.”

“Works for me. Also Ori these scones are lovely you have to give me the recipe,” Bilbo said nibbling at the dessert.

“It’s nothing really, you just have to know how long to stew the raspberries,” Ori replied a dot of pink now dusting his cheeks.

“Any other embarrassing stories we’d like to share,” Bilbo said.

“Oh! I have one. Okay so this happened about a year after Fili was born. Viri had just come home from another assignment and for some reason he always does this caveman routine when he gets back. So after he coddles Fili and puts him to bed he tosses me over his shoulder and we go to the bedroom. As we’re getting down and dirty, he starts eating me out and I queef right in his face.”

Bilbo covered his mouth trying to hold in a burst of giggles while Ori sits there looking confused.

“What’s a queef?” the teacher asks.

Both of his friends look at him before Bilbo answers, “A queef is a fart that comes out of the vagina.”

“You can fart from there?!”

“Yup, I wish I could say that was the worst of it though.”

“I’ve got to hear this,” Bilbo said.

“So at first I’m really embarrassed. My husband comes home and the first thing I do when we’re in bed is queef in his face. He just laughs it off and the atmosphere slowly goes back to being romantic and loving. After he sticks it in and starts moving I cannot stop queefing,” Dis was laughing now her cheeks dark and rosy.

Ori was cackling and Bilbo couldn’t stop giggling if he tried.

“Viri ended up laughing too hard and we just gave up and went to sleep. Luckily the morning sex went without my vagina making a dub step album.”

After the trio calmed down Ori volunteered one of his own stories. Bilbo had grabbed the kettle to refill their cups and they managed to settle back into their chat.

“You and Dwalin have been together for a while. I bet you have tons of stories,” Bilbo said.

“Oh yes, but this one sticks out a bit more than the others. When Dwalin and I had just started the more intimate side of our relationship I wanted to be very secretive about it. You know how Dwalin can be, large, imposing, and not shy about showing off his tattoos. Dori would’ve fainted had he found out how long I’d been seeing him. So we’re at a relative’s house, and Dwalin being very eager manages to pull me aside into one of the unused guest rooms.”

“I think I know where this is going,” Dis said.”

“Instead of going to the bed we just decide on a quick tap and go. I’ve got Dwalin against the door and he’s halfway down my throat. We’re both too preoccupied to hear anyone coming down the hall. Even though we still have clothes on both of our pants were at our knees. Anyway I’ve got him right on the edge and the door opens, and it’s Nori. At first I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but as I was pulling off of Dwalin I squeezed him a bit too hard and he let’s out the loudest fart.”

“Oh my god!” Bilbo was shaking in his seat from how hard he was laughing.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen my brother look so scandalized in my life.”

All three of them were laughing by the time Thorin showed up. At first the older man was puzzled, but was brushed off when he asked what was so funny. Bilbo managed to convince him to join them, and the trio made sure to stay on topics like their classes or Fili and Kili. That is until Dis got an evil grin on her face.

“So brother, maybe we should tell Bilbo about the lingerie incident.”

“No.”

“I’ll tell you later,” she whispered ignoring Thorin’s glare.

**Author's Note:**

> Un-beta'd.


End file.
